Air Traffic Talk CAN Be Fun

Here are a few little stories to show you that the stodgy air traffic controllers and the flyers they serve can have a sense of humor:

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing when his approach speed was just a little too fast.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?

Delta 105: Long pause followed by a thick southern drawl, "Well, I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle though."

Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"

Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff. Contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight!"

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speed bird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt. Speed bird 206, clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speed bird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speed bird 206: "Stand by a moment ground. I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground: "With some arrogant impatience, "Speed bird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!"

Speed bird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944... But in another type of Boeing... I didn't stop."

I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard (I don't recall call signs any longer):

Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you lost the bloody war!"

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