Funny Thoughts

4 out of 5 of the voices in my head tell me to go back to sleep.
A bird in the hand makes it difficult to blow your nose.
A coincidence is when God performs a miracle and decides to remain anonymous.
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
A friend walks in when everyone else walks out.
A recipe for having friends: Be one.
Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
Age happens.
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
All my friends tell me peer pressure is cool.
Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect to be paid back.
Bottomless pit of needs and wants.
Break a bad habit...Drop it.
Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Daylight savings time: Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Failure is not an option! It comes bundled with the software.
Fishing is the sport of drowning worms.
For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord.
Go ahead, make my data!
God doesn't call the qualified...He qualifies the called.
God enjoys receiving knee-mails.
Hard work is the yeast that raises the dough.
Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?
He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I can't help it. My superiority complex is not only bigger and better than anybody else's, it's more complicated.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat ruffage!
I discovered today that goldfish do not like Jell-o.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I just got a physical and asked the doctor, "How do I stand?" He said, "That's what puzzles me."
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I once had a dog I named "peeve" so I could really say, "I have a pet peeve."
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
If God is your co-pilot, swap seats.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
In order to avoid criticism, never do anything. Ever.
It's not an empty nest until they get their stuff out of the attic.
I'm just working here till a *good* fast-food job opens up.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
Jesus paid the price for you. You get to keep the change.
Keep America clean. Eat a pigeon.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if it says, "Open somewhere else"?
Necessity is the grandparent of a study with multiple inputs, expanding parameters, and muddled responsibility.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
No man in the world has more courage than the one who can stop after eating one peanut.
No man knows less than the man who knows it all.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it seriously.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Nobody should have told my brother to learn from his mistakes. I think he's trying to become a true scholar.
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense, and the past perfect.
Not afraid of heights...afraid of widths.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
Nothing is fool-proof because fools are so ingenious.
Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One nice thing about telling a clean joke is there's a good chance that no one has heard it before.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Patience carries a lot of wait.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Seize the opportunity--think of all the women on the Titanic who passed up the dessert cart.
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
The Bill of Rights. (Void where prohibited by law.)
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
The chance that you'll forget something is directly proportional...to...ah...
The definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
The facts, though interesting, are simply irrelevant.
The four stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He plays Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
The world is full of willing people: Some willing to work and some willing to let them.
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
There's no such thing as non-existence.
There's no future in time travel.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
To vacillate or not to vacillate. That is the question. Or is it?
Q: What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up? A: An umbrella.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
What do you call a chicken that is afraid?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.

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