New Drugs for Women
- St. Mom's Wort:
- Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
- Emptynestrogen:
- Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
- Peptobimbo:
- Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
- Dumerol:
- When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ causing enjoyment of country western music.
- Flipitor:
- Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
- Antibyotics:
- When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
- Menicillin:
- Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person...can we get naked now?"
- Buyagra:
- Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
- Extra Strength Buyoneall:
- When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
- Jackasspirin:
- Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
- Anti-talksident:
- A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life with total strangers.
- Sexcedrin:
- More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
- Ragamet:
- When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
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